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Afraid to die in the twilight night after night as my killer runs
away from me, out of my mind, and out of sight, into, and with the light.

stealing everything from me, taking that which was not given, but taken
to me.

sending me into the void of which there is know noise, noise noapos;s know more
than sight.

twisted ups and rind around downs, what once was lost was re-found by the
point blank shotgun of a mind on the walk-slash-run, doing it for the mizery
of the fun.

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Hey everyone- My name is Beth. I am in my mid 20apos;s and live in Chicago IL. I work PR for a large company (sorry to be so vague- just being careful) in the Loop. I have a wonderful family and a great life. I have been anorexic since I was 17. However, something awful happened to me when I was 21 and gained a lot of weight (about 40 lbs) I have lost about 25 of the 40 and am going really strong. I am here to help anyone and am asking for support. Thank you all very much. -Beth

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The other night, Wednesday specifically, I had a rage episode that, very unfortunately, was seen by and negatively affected some friends.� I was confronted about saying something earlier to one of the friends that hurt her feelings - I donapos;t know exactly what I said, but I know for sure and for certain that it was not intended to hurt her.� We were on our way to dinner and I was looking forward to it since this is a traditional dinner that this group has every year. I left to avoid the confrontation, and hopefully the scene of a rage episode, but it came on later in the night anyway.� I left for home and said some things on my way out that were hurtful, but because I hadnapos;t clarified that I was the one that i was angry with, my words hurt others.� Iapos;ve probably lost more friends.� Iapos;ve got to get help now.� Tinaapos;s afraid that Iapos;ll try to suicide again, and so am I, honestly though right now iapos;m okay and safe.� More than yesterday anyway.


Tina texted, then called, this morning - sheapos;s worried about me.� Iapos;m in much better shape than I was yesterday, but Iapos;m still in the shit.� I havenapos;t been outside my bedroom, except to take the pup out, since Thursday morning.� I finally ate a little bit this afternoon, but my stomach hurts too much to eat any more.� I did finally take a shower and shave - the most iapos;ve done in three days.� It felt good.� I finally have some focus in my eyes and the headache that Iapos;ve had since Wednesday night is finally waning a bit.� Iapos;ve been playing with my Cognitive Behavior Therapy exercises on my computer and they do seem to help a little.� I feel a little lighter this afternoon than I did this morning.� Iapos;m taking the dog for a road-trip to see my parents in Charlotte tonight, theyapos;re going back to the beach tomorrow so it will be my last chance to see them for a few weeks.� Maybe that will help.� Mom will make me eat, though.� ugh.� I really donapos;t want to eat.

One of the keys to CB Therapy is realizing where the bad thoughts originate and changing them - this will be a good opportunity to try my skills.� Letapos;s see if we can learn to throw a positive spin on things - odd that I have to try.� I used to be such an upbeat, positive person...Iapos;l recover that again.� Thatapos;ll be my promise to myself.� Positively positive...or at least strive until success is iminent.� That and to not let this journal become a whine fest, but a therapeutic tool and a way to express my feelings and thoughts.�� :-)





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I am just too tired and a bit under the weather to write anything.� It is almost 2am and I am still� up trying to take advantage of the internet.� I could still do so much more even.� But my body just wonapos;t stay awake any longer.� I did post the very last of the Scotland pics from Marilyn and Iapos;s journey together:
Some words we like:
Skink, smashing, lovely, shite, go on then, and more...��
I will write as soon as I sort a few things out this week.
Love to you all.
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Turns out I�got 19 credits from studying in Japan. (Sweet)

Basically, Iapos;m two classes away from graduation

Here I�come Welding class Wouldnapos;t that be a scary thought, me with a blow torch?

Electives I was thinking about were either: Welding (Metals), Jewelry (Small Metals), Poster Design, Advertising II (if they have it), going on the China Graphic Design trip (), or maybe taking up a TA position. If I took the TA�position, wow, life would be so easy for me next semester.

YAY

Now, to return to the nightmare that is 5 classes My show, Designapos;s closing show is in a half hour, so... Yay on so many different levels


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�So Iapos;ve been meaning to post in here for a long time, I just havenapos;t thought thereapos;d be a point to it I guess .. I was thinking maybe Iapos;ll come back and read these later, But Iapos;m sure Iapos;ll have forgotten my user name by now, and not like anyone else is going to read this anyways.


Well Iapos;ll try to keep the first post short and sweet, and wont get into things tonight haha. I guess from now on Iapos;ll just post what my day was like and whats going on and what not.�



Just a short post about today
���
I had a big test in AP today and Iapos;m pretty sure I�did as bad on it as the last one [reallllly bad] �passing, but just barly. So that sucked, but was expected, I always do shitty in school, I always JUST�barley make it through. I really need to start commiting myself to school alot more, because I really want to become a paramedic, and I will, but I donapos;t want to be one, by just barely making it threw the classes. And right now Iapos;m guessing Iapos;d forget everything out in the field and screw up completely, so I think I need to start doing alot better.. Not like Iapos;m going to need to know how hair follicals grow while Iapos;m out saving someones life haha. I guess Iapos;ll for sure need to pay attention in those courses more huh Anyways, Iapos;m tired, so Iapos;m off to bed, well probably not right away, I sit on the computer all the time [no life] anywho, Iapos;ll be back to post tomorrow�Adios Amigos


lovelovelove
-Gabi.



[def, stole that lovelovelove from taylor swift, thatapos;s just how cool I�am.. ]
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Itapos;s the day after I arrived back in NZ after the best trip of my life in Japan Yesterday, I was delirious and dazed?? And so I couldnapos;t really write much about anything. I didnapos;t realise how much jetlag would affect me, but its worse than a hangover I was falling asleep at the wheel and EVERYTHING baad But now Iapos;m algood. I conked out lastnite at 9pm, and had a pretty sweet sleep. So the reason why Iapos;m writing today is because of my "post Jap blues" Theyapos;re crazy Iapos;m starting to have heaps of things I wish I had done in Japan, but I mean, Iapos;ve learnt my lesson, and that lesson is that next time I go overseas, Iapos;m gonna do anything and everything that comes into my head. I wish I had bought so much that I was apos;gonnaapos; buy, but I was just being stingy with my money. I wish I had stayed up later and woke up earlier to make the most of everyday (this wouldnapos;t have been the best idea though because I would have been in ZOMBIE MODE for the whole trip lol). But I wish that I made the most of Japan. But I HATE regretting stuff, so this trip is just gonna be my lesson for other trips that Iapos;m gonna go on in the future.

Being back in the real world though, isnapos;t as bad as I thought it was gonna be though. Work is pretty cool, one of my bosses is sick and so I hardly see her, and the other boss is always out on meetings and stuff, so I hardly see him either. The boys are always asking me questions about my trip, and wanting to know every little detail about any chicks I mightapos;ve hooked up with over there DAHAHA I managed to get some ninja stars in for them so that they have something to buzz out about haha

All in all guys, Japan is the buzziest country in the world Considerin that Iapos;ve only been to Oz and NZ, Japan is the best country that Iapos;ve been to soo far..haha SOO FAAR coze I know that ima be doing heaps more travellin in the future. Post Jap Blues?? Not so bad now that I think about it. Iapos;ll get over them, just gimme some time :D

xo
BUKKY
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